Man Up! - A Brief Guide to Being a Real Man

Alright, I'm fed up. I'm sick and tired of dumb-asses, lard-asses and jack-asses making the rest of us men all look like asses. The fact is, men aren't all creeps and idiots. There are plenty of good men out there, and they deserve recognition. How do I know? Because I'm one them.

I both like and respect women. I'm attracted to them, but know enough to treat them like ladies and try to be interested in their lives, even if I'm mostly concerned with their bodies. I can be tough when I need to be, and I can be sensitive when I need to be. I thought Hitch was a good movie. So was Braveheart, but for completely different reasons. I watch violent movies and professional wrestling. I occasionally pluck my eyebrows. I listen to hard rock and roll, but every now and then I need a nice soft power ballad. I am strong. I am gentle. I am intelligent. I am a real man.

Now, I'm mad because I'm sick of always seeing the battle of the sexes rage on in households across the world. Real women and real men alike are miserable because they can't find each other. Mainly, this is because all of the fake men and women are clogging up the dating scene. So, I want everybody to listen up. Girls, if your guy doesn't live up to the standards of a real man, either get him to change or dump him and get someone better, because you deserve it. And guys, you'd better listen up, because if my description of the real man doesn't sound like you, you need to step up your game.

I mentioned the movie Hitch for good reason. In this movie, Will Smith helps socially awkward guys get to meet the girl of their dreams. What's more, the guy who asked Hitch to help him score a one-night stand was portrayed as a pig and an insult to real men looking for a meaningful relationship. He was scorned, and rightfully so.

Now, as I understand it, a lot of guys really didn't care for this movie. I get where they're coming from. If I was a guy who really only cared about myself and satisfying my own urges, I'd probably be pissed off by this movie as well. As it turns out, Hitch was really bad PR for assholes. Go figure.

Look, I'm not trying to place the blame on you guys. You're not all assholes. Most of you have the makings of great men; you've just gotten some bad advice in the past. Well, please, allow me to help set you straight.

Now, I'm not saying a one-night stand is inherently bad. If the girl's into it too, then more power to you. But understand that's not what all women are looking for. In fact, if public appearances are any indication, practically no women want just a one-night stand. But, keep in mind, public appearances can be wrong. In all likelihood, hidden beneath the droves of good girls and strong feminists and forward-thinking proper ladies, there are droves of frisky gals just looking for a good time.

And I'm not knocking them, either. Although I'd love to. (Okay, bad joke, I know. Finish rolling your eyes and get back to reading) There's nothing wrong with a woman who knows what she wants and is straight-forward about it. Quite the opposite, in fact. Many great rock songs were written about such women. Ladies, long-term relationships can be great, but it's hard to deny the appeal of one wild roll in the hay. And there's nothing wrong with that. But it's a big dating pool out there, and with everyone looking for something specific, things go a lot smoother if everyone is honest about what they're looking for, be it great love, great sex, or a combination of both.

This is the first lesson for guys: be in tune with what your woman wants out of the relationship. This isn't a purely altruistic strategy, either. If you want to round third base and slide into home, it'll be a lot easier to get there knowing she's playing with you, not against you. If all you're after is a good time, but she wants something more, you're playing toward two different end games. You're fighting each other instead of working together, and a situation like that is always going to end badly. The opposite happens too; maybe a guy is looking for something long-term but the girl just wants a boy-toy to play with for a while. You don't hear about it as much, but it happens, and it's just as doomed to fail.

So, what can you do? Well, two things come to mind right away. One is to be up-front about what you're after on the first date. If you're looking for someone to go steady with, say so. If you just need a good screw to work off some stress, say that too. I know it seems uncouth, and yes it's likely to repulse a lot of potential first dates, but that's kind of the point. You can't hook up with just anyone; you're looking for someone who's in synch with you. If you can find someone who admits they're looking for the same thing, then right away you're one step closer to getting there.

Now, it's possible you won't be able to find someone right away who wants the same thing as you out of a relationship. In that case, there is option two: expand your search. Open up to the possibility of trying something the other person wants just for their sake. It's not a guaranteed success, but remember it takes two to tango. If you give them what they want, they're more likely to give you want you want. And this goes for guys and girls alike. I'm not saying compromise your values or anything, but if you find yourself chronically alone it might be time to think about branching out and trying something new. Who knows? You might even like it.

Okay, guys. Next we need to talk about your image. I'm not sure why, but there have been rumors going around that guys can't do things that are un-guy-like without something being wrong about it. The voices of our peers tell us that it's not okay for guys to get pedicures, buy flowers for his girl just because, and occasionally cry at movies. Alright, I'll admit that last one is kind of lame, but the point is that, while those actions don't strike us as manly, simply doing them doesn't make you not a man.

At the same time, I see guys who constantly go out of their way to act macho. They work out to get big muscles. They drink beer, watch football, belch and scratch themselves at will. They walk tough and talk tough all the time. Nothing really wrong up to this point. They also think mainly about themselves and treat their women like crap. Now, there's where we have a problem.

I'm not sure where guys got the idea that it's okay to be an asshole to women, but I'm telling you right now that it's not okay. If a guy and girl are a couple, he's supposed to care about her. That's how this relationship stuff works. And guys, I know you care about your girl. Act like it once in a while.

See, somewhere along the line, men got it in their heads that being a man means being really macho all the time. And, well, that's not true at all. Macho and manly are not one and the same. Being musclebound and tough and dripping with testosterone doesn't make you manly, it just makes you macho. The friggin' Village People were macho. What does that tell you about macho?

Look, I know how it is. You think if you show your feminine side once in a while it makes you less of a man. But the reality is that it doesn't. It's not like there's this grand dichotomy of macho men and metrosexual men. Most guys fall somewhere in between the two extremes, and they should be comfortable there. Come on, if you're not absolutely secure in your masculinity, how can you expect other people to be?

Emotions are right at the top of the list of things guys think are unmanly. They refuse to show emotion, and they're constantly told to. But that's wrong. Think about it: if you go around putting on a macho look to cover up your feelings, aren't you basically hiding from them? How manly is that? Guys, you don't want to just be macho, you want to be manly. A macho guy might act tough and hide his feelings. A manly guy might not like to share his feelings, but he'll open up to those he can trust. Do you understand the distinction? The manly guy isn't about posing and posturing and looking the part. He's about being the part. He's not afraid to let himself look vulnerable once in a while, because he's secure in how he feels as a man. In fact, I would argue that the fact he's not afraid to show his emotions once in a while shows just how manly he really is.

This concept extends to pretty much everything else on the non-manly scale. Showing affection for your girl? No problem. Practicing a little hygiene once in a while? Totally fine. Hugging other guys? Perfectly okay, as long as it not an all-day cuddle-fest. The only reason you avoided those things before is because you were afraid other guys would judge you for it. Well, who the hell are they to judge what kind of man you are?

Guys, this is the ultimate point I'm trying to get to: a real man doesn't posture and act tough. He just acts naturally. If another man tries to call into question his manhood, then the real man just says "Well, screw him. What does he know? I know I'm real man, and I don't have to prove anything to him. If he can't see that, then he's a punk, and I don't care what he thinks."

Are we on the same page? Guys, I know I've called your manhood into question in the process of writing this. Most of you would probably love to knock my lights out. Some of you would, given the chance. But others of you wouldn't. You'd walk away, and it's the man who shrugs it off and walks away who's really the better man. Any man can throw a punch. It's the great man who has the power to throw a punch, but chooses the high road instead. Think about it. Deep down inside, you know this is the truth. Isn't that just what Mr. Miagi was trying to tell us all along?

Take it from me: manliness is not in how you walk or how you talk. It's in how you live.

That's right, girls. You didn't think I'd let your cute little butts off easy, did you? You know damn well you're partially to blame for the epidemic of fake men in the world today. If you'd played fair, more fake guys would've been shot down early on, and real men would've flourished. Well, you've made your bed. Now it's time to unmake it and put on a new dust ruffle. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

First of all, I have to say this: ladies, I know you're trying to protect the goods, but for love's sake you need to lay off a little. Being nicer to men doesn't automatically label you as easy, nor does putting a padlock on your chastity belt make you a "good girl". Most real women live somewhere in the middle, and you need to as well.

For starters, what the hell is wrong with girls giving out fake phone numbers? Or numbers of break-up hotlines with those clever little "you've been dumped" messages? Look, I get you're trying to make guys leave you alone, but you're going about it all wrong. Be honest. If you want a guy to take a hike, tell him to take a hike. You can even be nice about it if you want. I understand, there are some sleazy guys out there who deserve the fake number treatment, but it's not a smart bomb. You're giving nice guys the same treatment, and they don't deserve it.

Look, it's hard enough out there for you to find a nice guy. If you unwittingly give a nice guy a fake number, or god forbid the dump hotline, all you're doing is telling him that nice guys finish last. In other words, you've just encouraged him to stop being nice and start being another fake guy to try to get a woman's attention. Well, nice going honey. You didn't let him screw you, but you managed to screw yourself, and anyone else he ever tries to hit on.

It's ridiculous. Nice guys finish last. That's all guys ever hear: nice guys finish last. That saying needs to be appended in a hurry, to this: "Nice guys finish last... in bed, but nowhere else." Fake guys, sleazes and losers are so common because women's dating strategies make the dating game so harsh that only a tough SOB can survive. And sure, ladies like a guy who's tough, but they also like a guy who can hold a door for her or listen when she talks about her day. And they think they can't have both.

Well, you're dead wrong. Who the hell says a guy can't be nice and be strong? There are plenty of them out there. I'm one of them. Girls, don't settle for one or the other. If your guy is tough but treats you like crap, let him know what a dick he's being. If your guy is nice but kind of a wimp, tell him to man up. There's no reason you can't have both.

Guys, you need to help yourself meet a real woman, too. There aren't just women who can have sex and women who can carry on a good conversation. A lot of gals can do both. At the same time, no less! So don't limit yourself either. If you aim to be a good, real man, encourage your girl to be real, too. If you're getting in touch with your feminine side, she needs to get in touch with her masculine one.

Bottom line is, I'm just trying to spread the love here, people. We're all in this game together. So come on, let's make it easier on each other. Guys, let's be the best men we can be. If we can pull it off, the ladies will come running by the dozens. And girls, keep an open mind when you're in the dating game. There are a lot of losers out there, I know, but there are a lot of winners too, and logic says the longer you search, the better your chances of finding one get.

Now, there's definitely more to all this than I've written here, but I'm getting tired and this page is getting long. I think I've hit all the main points for you guys, even if I glossed over a few parts. I trust the real men out there to take the ball from here. You know what you need to do. I'm not saying join the navy, but in your own way, be all that you can be.

Remember everyone, love is a battlefield, but it's a lot easier to manage if your partner is fighting for the same thing. The war isn't you versus her. It's you and her versus the whole damn world.

Good luck, soldiers. Dismissed.